One of my resolutions and goals for 2019 is to really help my children gain more independence and become more self-sufficient. I know they're still so young to do a lot on their own, but even the littlest things can make a world of difference to a mom of twins plus one. Just getting out the door to go for a stroll could take me about 20 minutes of just getting ready to head out, with 3 jackets to put on, 3 zippers to zip, 3 pairs of shoes to put on, bottles to make, snacks to bring, etc....and then at least get shoes and a coat on for myself!
As a first-time mom, I can admit that I dealt with a lot of guilt over returning to work teaching full-time when my son, David, was just shy of 6 months of age. And that guilt of working full-time just kind of added on for me moreso as time went on. I wondered if he was getting enough attention from the other family members watching him, if something was missing for him emotionally since his mom wasn't always there, or if he would ever learn to drink from a sippy cup at nursery school. I willingly did so many things for him because I was trying to make up for the "lost" time I felt so bad about - it wasn't until I was in my 30th week of a high risk twin pregnancy (dealing with major preeclampsia issues) that I finally decided maybe it was time for him to start picking out his own clothes and dressing himself (and he was nearly 4). I'll never forget that first time I asked him to put on his pajamas after bath time - David did it in no time, with zero complaints.
Fast forward now to my jump of going from being a mom of one to three in a quick leap with our twins, Adam and Matthew, and I am not the same mom. I'm not sure if it's that I am mostly home now raising the boys since I only work a couple days a week and so don't have the same working mom guilt, or if it's just that I'm outnumbered by the kids in the house, or if it's pure desperation, but I am really thoughtful about all the ways I can get my kids to be more independent. I share all my experiences and thoughts honestly and openly with everyone because I want other moms to know that there are always so many reasons, excuses, etc. we can come up with for why our child isn't ready for something yet, but I want to challenge YOU to look inward towards yourself and reflect on if there's anything actually holding YOU back and where that comes from so you can forge ahead. It's taken me a lot of time and learning, and I am still learning. I have never claimed to be an expert, just a mom telling her story, and so with that, here's a list of some jedi mom tricks that have been working for me as I try to promote some self-sufficiency skills for my twin toddlers and Kindergartner:
Plastic Cups at Bath Time
This idea kind of started accidentally for me. I usually use a plastic cup to quickly wash all the boys because I tend to wash them altogether in the tub, for time's sake. However, I realized that giving them each their own plastic cups during bath time meant that they could use them to wash themselves and throw water onto their heads or bodies just like mommy does, and it's been working. Sometimes they even wash one another with the cups - LOL!
Teeth Brushing SOLO First
I almost always brushed my first son's teeth for him when he was a toddler, but this time around with the twins, I ALWAYS let them brush their own teeth with a very small amount of fluoride paste, and then of course, I take over and brush their teeth for them to ensure they're properly cleaned. The point here is to give them the opportunity to try first on their own and limit the expectation that mom will do it for them.
Bring a Blankie for Diaper Changes
This is a recent thing we've been trying out with the twins. I take a small receiving blanket and lay it on the floor for diaper changes, and so recently I try to encourage my twin toddlers to go and get the blanket themselves and bring it over when it's time to change them. I am sincerely HOPING that we are building a habit for the boys where they will start to bring the blanket over to me themselves when they have dirtied their diapers. I cannot even begin to start thinking about potty training twins - yikes!
Drinking Water on their Own
When I first transitioned my kids into eating solids, I would constantly offer them water in sippy cups (mostly to help with digestion, etc.) . And now as they've gotten a bit older, I just leave their cups of water in the same spot every day (on their highchairs) that is reachable for them as the chairs are not very high, so the boys know they can just go over and grab their cups themselves when they want to drink. I've really stopped offering water to them now since they can grab it themselves. I just leave them full of water in the morning, and occasionally, I will encourage and tell them to go drink water. (Sidenote: my twins AND Kindergartner all use the same kind of cup, so in case you're looking for something good quality with zero leaks, I highly recommend Contigo Kids Water Bottles that you can easily order on Amazon - just click here.)
Large Bins
I have tried every idea when it came to storing toys - shelves, baskets, an ottoman, you name it. What I've found is just having a simple, large container (like a crate or laundry hamper) make the best storage bins for toys because the KIDS can actually help with clean up. This way, they can easily take out the toys they want themselves, too. In the past, when I was using small bins on shelves, or my beautifully organized and labeled plastic baskets, I didn't realize that my kid just didn't understand or know how to put things away and organize them. So, the simple large bin really works and lends itself to all 3 of my kids cleaning up and putting things away on their own.
Using a Stool
Having a stool is so crucial to helping build independence in the bathroom for kids - we use the stool for reaching the sink to wash hands by ourself, brush our teeth, and for getting onto the "big potty." I've started to let my twins just sit down on the toilet and clap for them, so they feel excited....again, totally not ready to potty train, but it's all about those jedi mind trick moves to stay ahead of the game. I also use the stool in the kitchen often with my Kindergartner, David, who loves to help mommy cook, clean his fish tank, or do an occasional dish. We take the stool along to nearly every room - this is the simple, one-step stool we use in case you're interested.
Putting Things in Reachable Places
I try to be very mindful of this one. Space is definitely limited for us in our apartment, but we have put things in reachable, low spaces for all our kids (especially the twin toddlers) to encourage them to independently get items on their own. One example is the little library we created by putting up wooden bookshelves just a few inches away from the ground, so the kids can reach for their books on their own. And in the kitchen, we put the kid's snacks in plastic baskets on the lower shelves and they go right up and grab what they want or point to it to kind of ask mom or dad (or big bro) for it.
I Start, You Finish
The "I start, you finish" motto is something I used even with my oldest child when he was a toddler. It just means that mom or dad will start to do something, and then the child has to finish it. Right now, we use this idea a lot with play time, like puzzles - "I start" by putting in one of the peg puzzles, and then I say, "You finish!" And I wait for one of the twins to make the next move. I also use this phrase when putting on the kid's shoes (even though they're all just velcro straps) - I start to put on the strap and then have them use their hand to finish putting the strap down on their shoe. Lots of clapping and excitement here helps to make them feel awesome, so they'll keep doing it. Wish that worked for my Kindergartner who is so frustrated by shoelaces nowadays. For David, I use the "I start, you finish" when we are reading a new book, cooking in the kitchen, writing, etc. He usually feels like he can do something on his own after seeing someone else do it or try, or just help him.
Tying & Untying Shoelaces
Shoelaces can bring my Kindergartner to tears, and we've outgrown the velcro strap days now with his shoe size. Though I am always in a rush to head out, I wait (as patiently as possible) for David to deal with his shoes on his own. We started with asking him to simply untie his shoelaces first, and once we saw he was comfortable with that, we moved on to asking him to tie them. He still really can't get passed making that first knot with his laces, but, heck it's a start, and it helps while I am getting the twins ready.
Setting clothes out for school
I still remember my mom friends who had girls, complaining to me about how much time their daughters took to pick their clothes or how they'd refuse to wear what their mom picked for them, and here I am, years later with an adorable little boy who still couldn't care less about what he's going to wear. And so to promote some independence, I have my son set out his clothes for the next school day every evening and leave them on his nightstand. This helps encourage him to choose his own clothes, reach for them himself in his drawers, AND even saves us some time to get ready in the morning.
Set alarm earlier so you're not rushing in the morning
I set an alarm so my son is up one hour before his school day begins because when you're asking your child to be more independent and do things for themself, then you better give them plenty of time to do it....these kids move SO slowly sometimes. Having an hour just really helps us ALL feel less frazzled in the mornings.
Using keys
I ask my Kindergartner to unlock the door as often as I remember to, using our house keys, to help promote his sense of independence. Sometimes, this takes lots of encouragement, because you've got to use some strength to turn those keys, but David really enjoys the feeling of knowing he did something on his own. I include this idea of using keys because it's a life skill that I don't know where else a child will learn, except from his or her own parents giving them the opportunity to learn and try.
Be a Teacher
Since the day the twins arrived, I was so blessed with David being the sweetest most careful big brother in the world. He still refers to Adam and Matthew as "my babies" when he talks about them to me or others. And so sometimes when I really want to encourage David to do something on his own, I ask him to try and "teach" his baby brothers how to do it, and this nearly always gets him to do whatever I've asked.
Let's Cook Together!
I find that any time I have given David the opportunity to help me in the kitchen with baking something, or even do something as simple as mixing the eggs we want to scramble, it allows for a moment to learn some independence. The idea of allowing him to cut something on his own, or mix on his own, or even pour or place something into the stove is empowering to him - he is so proud of himself when he sees our end result of whatever we've made or prepared, knowing he, himself, helped create it. I really believe more opportunities and time to cook together in the kitchen can allow any child to gain more independence.
I am not quite sure where the road will take us, and I do just want to let my kids be kids and enjoy this time in their lives, but I hope we can balance that with the things I know my "big boys" can handle!
xo,
Vicky
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