Twin Birth Story & Becoming a NICU Mom

Dear 3 Boys,

The addition of Adam and Matthew to our family was one of the greatest surprises and joys of my life - making David a big brother to not one, but two brothers. Carrying twins was a challenge to say the least. Above everything else, I often worried about the babies health, my own, and how David would transition to sharing his parents with two other new, little people. But ultimately, I was excited and felt truly blessed to be having twins. I felt like I knew God chose me to be their mother and entrusted me with something He knew I would be able to handle and bare. Our birth story was quite an adventure - the doctors and nurses all showed you off proudly to the other staff and visitors on our floor, always adding "and they were born naturally...one breech!" All those months I went by fearing what the birth would be like, but just like the first time, I just did it and never thought about it afterward again. When the unexpected happened just a few mere hours of the babies entering the world, my life as a mother would be changed forever. Going home with one baby after having two babies was my worst nightmare come true, but there is a "happy ending" as you know. I decided to share this story on the blog today because it marks one year of bringing home my "Twin B," strong little guy, Matthew, from the NICU. Today was the day everything felt right.

xo,
Mommy

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I finally made it to 37 weeks, and it was time for my weekly doctor appointment. I got the talk I knew was inevitable since I was diagnosed with "mild preeclampsia" at 32 weeks. Though I felt ready to finally have the twins, I found myself feeling more afraid about "D-day." I had switched from one doctor to another in the same practice very early on, after the first practitioner told me, "...and we'll definitely schedule a C-section since twin pregnancies are so high risk." He would not even consider allowing me to try this without an operation, despite having a "natural" child birth with my first son. So I quickly made a switch, to a doctor who would listen to me and promised she would commit to letting me try to have a vaginal birth "as long as the babies are both head down and ready." What more could I ask for? She was younger, but had delivered a few sets of twins, both via c-section and vaginally. Well, at 37 weeks and 6 days, both boys were head down and I was being induced. I held out for 6 hours until I begged for that epidural, and then waited another 6 for the babies to be ready to make their grand debut. Side note: with twin pregnancies the hospitals in NYC require by law that you deliver in an operating room (even if you do not require surgery), in the case that an emergency arises. It was incredibly strange, and embarrassing, and many other feelings having to be wheeled from my labor room into the Operating Room! Everything felt like it was happening so quickly, and sweet chunker Adam was born at 12:50pm weighing in at a whopping 7 pounds, 5 ounces. I can't lie - I was feeling really nervous about delivering the next guy after hearing my doctor announce Adam's weight. He measured nearly a pound larger than on the ultrasound a few days earlier.

It was time to meet Twin B, but he decided to turn from his head-down to feet-first position with all the room he just acquired having evicted Adam. My fears were all coming to life, as I could hear some of the medical staff urging my doctor to get me ready for a c-section and to "get that table ready." I had read all about those twin birth stories where one was delivered vaginally and the other via c-section. I felt ready to cry, and my doctor quickly ran to get a more senior doctor on staff - he ran into the room and just smiled so calmly and asked me if I felt ok to give a few more pushes for Matthew. I, of course, told him I was ready and asked if the baby would be safe. And he assured me he would be alright. Matthew was born (feet first, or breech) at 1:01pm, just 11 minutes after Adam, weighing in at 6 pounds 3 ounces. Everyone in that room (I'd say about 20 people total), was clapping and cheering - for me, for the babies, and for the 2 doctors who had just safely delivered two twin boys "naturally," with one being breech! They put those 2 sweet boys in my arms, and I don't even know how, but I had the strength to hold them both as they wheeled us back into that labor room.

It finally came time to leave my wonderful nurses from the labor & delivery floor, and go to our new room. The babies were in their bassinets, and we were taken to our new space. It was about 6pm now, and our nurse said she noticed baby Matthew was a bit "shakey," and asked me to do skin-to-skin with him, and I gladly did. I hadn't noticed any shakiness and just didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later that same nurse said, "Let's just check his sugar level for my peace of mind." And she pricked his heel and waited for a beep on this small machine that looked like a timer to me. She made this face. I just knew something was not right, but I didn't ask yet. She said she'd be right back, and when she got back to our room she came in with another nurse and they told me that Matthew's sugar was a little low and asked if they could give him some formula to boost it up. I was ok with not exclusively breastfeeding, especially after my difficult experience with David. But when you hear someone tell you that your baby needs something that could potentially help him, your mom gut tells you 'yes!' A half hour later Matthew's blood sugar level is checked again, and I'm told it hasn't gone up, so the nurses give him a sugary liquid by mouth. And after one hour, his sugar level is actually lower than the first reading. He was such a happy, content little bug all throughout this time. He was doing what any newborn does - sleeping, drinking, and more sleeping. A NICU doctor came into my room, and told me that the doctors on her team would like to take Matthew to the NICU because he would need sugar through an IV. She assured me that this was a very common issue many newborns have as their bodies learn to do these things independently right after being born, and that I'd probably have him back in the next 24-48 hours. I was not sure how to feel at this moment. I told myself not to panic and to have some faith that things would be just fine, because other than this sugar level, all else really was fine. Matthew was taken to a new floor. Adam and I remained together in the room. The challenges emerged immediately as I had to bring Adam to the nursery and leave him there in order to go see Matthew. I didn't know how to share the news with my husband or my family. I felt worried and ashamed in a way. I kept thinking to myself about what I'd done that could have caused this. I tried to be as factual as possible with them all and not break down with emotion.

The NICU doctor came back to check in with me about Matthew, and she told me it was time for Adam and I to go home. I actually asked her if there was any way Adam could be admitted into the NICU - I was afraid he may have a sugar level issue as well. And even when I knew he didn't, I asked again because I just wanted the twins to be together and not separated. I also had no idea how I'd manage one newborn at home and one still at the hospital. I only had a few pictures of the twins together right after they were born. Everything pained me. All the happiness I expected to be feeling having finally made it and welcoming 2 sweet boys to my family, felt like it was robbed from me. The doctors told me there was nothing to be done to keep us altogether any longer there, and that Adam should not even be in the NICU as he'd be susceptible to other infections, etc. there. It was 48 hours after their birth, and Matthew's sugar level was not increasing and Adam and I were being discharged from the hospital. I left the hospital with one baby, one car seat that day. It was one of my saddest days of my life. In the most innocent and curious 4-year old way, David asked me where the other baby was and why there was only one baby there when we were supposed to have two babies. I told him that Matthew was with the doctors and that he'd get to see him again soon, and I showed him a picture of the two babies together. It took so much strength not to cry in front of him. I felt like I'd scare him if I did.

Somehow, between my husband, myself, my parents and my sister, we made it work so that I could go and see Matthew at the hospital every single day. The whole notion of post-partum health was not even a concern in my mind. After nearly 6 days in the NICU, Matthew was not able to maintain his sugar levels on his own without the support of the IV pumping sugar into him - the scary part was that it wasn't really above normal level either. I learned a lot becoming a NICU mom, and your sugar level is extremely important to your brain functioning normally. Without enough sugar in the blood, a person can experience a seizure and possibly experience varying levels of brain damage. I knew they would not let Matthew get to a dangerously low blood sugar level while in the NICU, but I realized how lucky I was for the nurse who discovered the issue before we were discharged to go home. I wrote her a thank you card and got a small gift, but I never got to see that nurse again on the floor we were on. I sincerely hope the head nurse delivered that gift to her on my behalf because I wanted her to know how grateful I was to her for saving my son's life.

In those first few days at the NICU I got to meet so many other moms who carried many of the same stresses, fears, and hopes that I did for my child. I watched some babies come in after us and go home before us - and I felt so incredibly jealous of them. Why wasn't my baby getting to go home yet? I felt ashamed to admit these feelings to any one at the time, but there was a NICU nurse who noticed my reaction one evening as I saw the baby next to Matthew have all her wires and tubes removed because she was ready to graduate from the NICU - she hugged me and I just cried uncontrollably. I wanted to be happy for this baby and her family, but all I could feel was my own sadness and fears around never being able to take my baby home.

On Day #7 of Matthew's time in the NICU I got a phone call on my cell phone at about 2:30am from one of the NICU doctors asking for my permission to insert a PICC line into Matthew's arm that would pump high levels of dextrose/sugar directly to his heart. And of course I gave them permission. I asked if they could wait for me to get there, but they said I wouldn't be allowed to be present there anyway during the procedure. After a good, long cry in the living room, and many prayers later, I got the call that the procedure was unsuccessful. They would try the PICC line again the next day for Matthew. My husband and his brother made sure to be there, waiting outside, during the second attempt at the PICC line, and I got a call from them with the good news that it was successful. Matthew also had to have a feeding tube at this point because he was so lethargic from all the antibiotics he was being treated with in the case of an infection, along with all the sugar being pumped into him. He could barely finish a 2-ounce bottle of milk. It worried me deeply, and especially with having to care for Adam at home, who at this point was taking 2 ounces of milk every 2 hours. I was already comparing my twins, wishing for them to be the same.

By Week #2, Matthew's sugar levels were still not really above normal. The doctors decided to do brain ultrasounds and scans to rule out any kind of syndromes or brain abnormalities. Everything felt like it was getting scarier and worse by the day. Fortunately for us, Matthew was described as a "perfectly normal" child after these test results came back. No mother should ever think the thoughts going through my mind that day. I made peace with the idea that if there were some kind of brain abnormality with him that I'd accept him, help him, and could finally just take him home. Thankfully, I was wrong for thinking that. However, It still wasn't clear WHY he was experiencing the low sugar levels - some doctors speculated that it could have been related to the preeclampsia I experienced in my last trimester, some believed it was just a "twin thing," and then there were the doctors who said it could be a hormonal imbalance. At this time, the pediatric endocrinologists were called in to meet Matthew and diagnose him. They told me they would need a significant amount of blood (about a pint) from this little newborn to test his hormone levels. I recall them telling me that the worst would be over, and that the doctors would simply know what hormone is lacking in his blood and would "just be on a pill a day for his life, but he will live a normal one." As confused as I felt about the whole thing, I also felt upset that we had waited so long to call the endocrinologists in. But the doctors said they really wanted to avoid having to withdraw so much blood from him if they didn't think it was absolutely necessary. I agreed that it was torturous enough already for Matthew - he was pricked in his heels every 3 hours to test his blood sugar levels and only fed at exactly the 3 hour mark for his entire stay in the NICU. The empty tubes just sat under the little bed he was in, and the nurses were directed to start drawing blood whenever his blood sugar hit below 50. It was Day #12, and I felt like I could start to see some answers for us at least.

I used to ask each of our NICU nurses about their thoughts or experiences with what I realized they called "sugar babies." And they always gave me such a similar response: "Some babies just need more time than others to figure the sugar thing out." But after even the nurses saw all those tubes the endocrinologists left behind to be filled, most stopped saying that Matthew just needed more time. Whenever I was not in the NICU, because I was home with newborn Adam and David, I would call in every 3 hours exactly to ask the nurses for Matthew's sugar level and how many ounces of formula he drank and how many ounces were given via his feeding tube. I don't know how, but those endocrinologists never got the "pint" of blood from Matthew, because suddenly, his sugar level just started to increase slowly, always ABOVE 50! I'll never forget the feeling when I saw the nurse remove Matthew's feeding tube because we all noticed how much more he was eating with his bottle and how much more "awake" he was. I felt like I could really see his face now, with the feeding tube being removed. On Day #16 Matthew stopped receiving sugar from the PICC line that was still in place from the vein in his arm to his heart. If he could go 48 hours without dropping his sugar, then he'd be able to leave the NICU. Finally, on Day #18, Matthew graduated from the NICU. I got to be the mom who could put real clothes on her baby, instead of the onesie shirt and blanket required in the NICU. I could finally pick him up freely without having to unscramble all the wires coming out of him that were there before. I was going to get that vision I had in my head of all of us going home together as a family, and it did happen. My husband, David and Adam, and I all got ready and dressed in our best at home to go pick up baby Matthew from the NICU. We bought a ton of bagels and cream cheese from our favorite bagel place in our neighborhood to share with all the NICU staff. Once I signed off on those discharge papers, I wanted to make a run for it. But I also wanted to thank so many people first before I'd never see them again. So many emotions took over me as we were getting ready to leave, and though I felt like I had so much to say to everyone, like "thanks for always taking my calls at 12am, 3am, and 6am" or "thanks for putting up Matthew's name plate on his crib so that the medical staff working with him could call him by his name" or "thank you for holding my baby when he cried and I was not there," but all I could actually do as it came time to leave was cry, smile, and say "thank you."

Matthew never experienced a sugar level issue after leaving that NICU. We even had a nurse come to our home for the first few weeks of him being out of the NICU to come and support him and check on his progress. I never felt happier than the day we brought Matthew home to join Adam and David. There were many days where I questioned whether or not he'd survive, or if there were other health issues he might experience, etc. Throughout those first few weeks there were so many calls, texts, and visits from my friends and family who wanted to show support or just ask how Matthew was doing - many of them I didn't answer or respond to for a while because I couldn't control my emotions or really know how to say that things were not better and that I wasn't sure when they would be. But seeing those notes or hearing from those people made me feel like I wasn't alone, and that there were people around me who cared. Many people in my life did not even know what was going on, and mostly just because it was an intimate experience that we didn't really know how to share as we were grappling with everything ourselves.

Today I chose to share this story because sharing it makes me feel like a stronger mother, especially as I look back on surviving those first few weeks of life with "twins plus one" and juggling one newborn at home, one newborn in the NICU, and a preschooler transitioning to life at home as a big brother. It also reminds me of how thankful I should be for the health of my children.

I have never really shared any pictures with anyone from my time as a "NICU mom," because I felt so vulnerable. Seeing them now in this moment just feels so different. Matthew, my Twin B, was really the unexpected, extra little "gift" I got, hence the name Matthew, meaning "gift of God" in Hebrew and the name of my great grandfather. He was a showstopper since the get-go being delivered breech, and perhaps he just wanted to give me some extra time to bond with Adam at home and get ready for life as a mom of twins, plus one. Either way, I am so blessed to have these 3 boys.