Dear 3 Boys,
I am so excited about sharing my journey of motherhood with everyone through this blog. Each of you inspire me and motivate me every day to be a better person and have given my life purpose. Finding out I was having twins has been the most shocking news I have ever received in my lifetime, and nothing would have ever prepared me for this adventure of raising 3 boys. In April it will be a year since we welcomed Adam and Matthew to our family, so I wanted to share my greatest learnings. These are 15 lessons I learned over this (almost) first year of my motherhood journey of having twins plus one:
- There is room in my heart for all 3
One of my greatest fears about even deciding to add another baby to the family was around the idea of how I’d divide my love, my time, my self with anyone other than my first sweet boy, David. I mean, we spent 3 years together just him, Dad and myself - how could I love anyone else like David? Finding out we were going to add not just 1, but 2 more, to the picture, really triggered a lot of emotions for me during my pregnancy. But once the twins arrived, and I actually got to see them and hold them, it was so clear that each boy had their own place in my heart - I was thinking about each of them simultaneously and felt connected to each immediately. This idea of having enough love for all 3 was truly tested for me when one of the twins was whisked away to the NICU only a few hours after being born (it’ll take a whole new blog post to explain), but my heart was literally split and this time in my life really proved to me that I could love all 3 of these little boys, and that it would be enough for each of them.
- It is possible to do 2 of the same things for 2 infants at the same time
I was not confident I could really figure out how to do things with 2 babies simultaneously that I did when I just had 1, but when I look back at this year I realize I deserve a little more credit than I give myself. Thanks to the Twinz Z pillow, bouncer seats, and the idea of completely removing our coffee table (and some other items) from the living room, I was able to figure out how to feed 2 babies at the same time, sometimes even with one hand. Much to my shock, I even learned how to put 2 babies to sleep, without rocking them - who would have ever thought this one was even possible? You learn along the way, even through the doubts (and sometimes just because you’ve got no other choice when you’re home alone with the kids and the only adult), but this idea is totally possible!
3. My house won't be a disaster...all the time
I care a lot about keeping my space organized and neat - even when I was teaching in my classroom, it stressed me out if I saw notebooks and papers lying around randomly. As a mom of twins plus one, I realized I had to accept that there will be moments and days where the house looks like a hurricane hit it or that the dirty dishes will just stay in the sink a little longer because I prioritized something else that day. But this idea of being a mom of 3 doesn’t mean that I have to accept that every day - the laundry days will have to be scheduled, certain spaces in my home now are ‘high traffic’ areas that I know won’t always be organized, learning the best times to tidy up before naps or sometimes during naps, and figuring out my own system while I am home, all make a clean space possible (and a happier me).
4. It’s possible to feel healthy and better about my body again
Going through a twin pregnancy, makes you “high risk” no matter what condition, age or medical history you have. Personally, the end of my pregnancy was rough - I was told I had “mild” preeclampsia and dealt with high blood pressure issues, among other things, for that last trimester. Most days I wondered if my feet would ever look semi-normal again or if I’d ever be able to run around with David again like we used to do. And after the pregnancy part was over, having a twin in the NICU and one at home that first month really added to the health distress I was feeling because I didn’t feel like I had a chance to really have a positive postpartum recovery experience or even the time to prioritize my needs. Now, nearly 11 months after delivery, I see that with the right choices and planning ahead it’s possible to feel healthy again. Self care is so necessary.
5. Different kids, different needs
Becoming a mom for the second time had me feeling like perhaps I’d know more this time around - I knew all the things I wanted to do differently. And then, I found out I was having twins! This was another first for me that made me feel like a first time mom all over again. I thought all my kids would be ‘picky eaters,’ or have sensitive skin, or love Barney - but each boy has different needs, preferences and challenges (I’m still learning them). There are definitely mistakes I made with the first that I continue to make, but then there are experiences that are brand new for me or that I changed - like the idea of choosing not to introduce pacifiers to the twins. And let me not forget to mention that the twins both have SUCH different needs from each other as well even though they’re going through life together.
6. A 4 year age gap is not 'too much'
I worried that maybe the boys wouldn’t get along or that my oldest would be jealous all the time because being 4 years apart was too far for them to really relate to one another. I also wondered if the bond between the twins would be so strong that there wouldn’t be room for David there. The course of this year has proven that there are no number of years that would be ‘too much’ for siblings to love one another - in our case, the twins adore their big brother and watching him play and interact with them, and David loves his role as a big brother (sometimes he’s even too overbearing on his little brothers, so I have to remind him to let the babies try things on their own). We have our days of not wanting to share with each other or our moments where one wants more attention than the other, heck, we’re even at the point where one of the twins has started biting when he doesn’t get his way, but we’re all learning how to manage being a family of 5 still. The 4 year age gap worked even for mom - it was a year full of firsts, but having David in preschool while the twins are at home with me, has been a tremendous opportunity where I’ve gotten to experiment and figure this whole mom of 3 thing out (still figuring it out!).
7. People will still judge me as a mom
I thought this one would change as a second time mom, but everyone’s still got opinions they want to share. Some days I had all my comeback’s ready for the lines I knew to expect, like “Wow, you have your hands full,” or “You poor thing,” or “When will you go for the girl?” or “You should try ______.” But most days I just smile politely and thank people for their thoughts - try to add some humor every now and then even. I’ve learned that my opinion is the one that matters most, and I’ll ask for one from the people I trust when I need it. It’s also completely ok to admit that I don’t know something or am struggling.
8. All my kids will all get sick at the same time
I was totally not prepared for this one, but thanks to preschool and everything else, I set my expectations very low when one of the boys is not feeling well now, and I prepare for the worst. We dealt with pink eye, the flu, stomach bug and a number of colds for all 3 boys all within a matter of days over these past few months. It’s a vicious never ending cycle until it’s all actually done! I accept it and get my support system/entourage ready asap. I also know that the Dedaj family will certainly need “the big room” at the pediatrician’s office every time.
9. A support system will be there
Don’t know what else to say here, except a huge thanks and shout out to the people in my life who are always there to help, or listen, or advise, or just show up when I need them - my husband, mom, dad, sister, friends, the doorman, the Dunkin Donuts coffee ladies across the street - and everyone else who’s supported me along the way.
10. I will still have a schedule
Being a teacher, planning has always come naturally to me - for years now my Google calendar has been my favorite way to stay organized, set reminders for myself, and plan ahead. For a while, and especially after I went on maternity leave from work, I thought the idea of keeping a calendar was lost. I also struggled to set a schedule with all 3 boys because of all the transitions we went through over the past year - having the twins, summer break from school, starting preschool, getting back to work part time, and of course, the natural changes in sleep schedule the babies went through as they got a bit older. However, I made sure the Google calendar stayed in place, and I kept certain “rules” or non-negotiables for our daily schedule that I always make sure are maintained. Some of these include the amount of awake time for the twins based on their age (eg. no more than 2 hours of awake time until 4 months old), making sure to go outside at least once every day, and 7pm bedtime for all 3 boys. Each day never looks exactly the same as the one before, but having some non-negotiable items really helped me stay on track.
11. This will work financially
Lots of changes were coming our way adding twins to the family, and we have been used to a certain lifestyle with both adults working. I wasn’t sure what to expect when it came to financials - I knew I’d need double the amount of diapers and formula. I made a lot of lists over the course of this year to keep track financially, looked for many more coupons and coupon codes, and spent less on myself to be quite honest. Also, you don’t really need double of everything like I’d assumed with twins, and I’ve even been able to use some things again that I saved from David’s baby days - he loves when we tell him that something used to be his and his brothers get to use it now. I also learned to not feel guilty about not working for income - I know I am saving a ton in childcare costs and helping my family in ways no money can buy.
12. It’s possible to be alone with all 3 kids
I’ve got to be completely honest - the idea of being all alone with infant twins and my preschooler made me cringe and want to cry. I still remember the first night I did bed time completely on my own and that feeling of triumph when I looked over at all 3 boys asleep (all in my bedroom of course). I’m no pro at doing this solo, and I still have my moments where I text my husband the words “help me.” However, over time I have learned how to care for everyone when I’m the only adult around - I’ve also accepted that it’s ok if there’s some crying because one of them is impatient, and that they can and will just have to wait for mom. I give my preschooler more opportunities to be more independent now - like why was I still putting on his shoes for him? Every now and then now I just sit quietly and look around at all 3 boys in the apartment, and I just think to myself how much they’ve all grown...and I’m proud of myself and the role I have in that. And then, for sure, someone starts crying...
13. I’ll doubt myself as a mom today and feel like super mom tomorrow
There are so many days where I feel like I’ve done everything wrong - I didn’t cook a real meal for my family, or I didn’t spend enough time listening to David or asking about his day, I didn’t read enough to them, I left the TV on too long, I could have been more patient… And then there are those days where I do feel like super mom, and I can do 10 million things and still have energy.
14. My marriage will change...again
Everyone knows marriage and your relationship changes when you add a child to the picture, but I didn’t think of how much it’d change again going from 1 child to 3! Sometimes my husband doesn’t get the best version of me because I’m exhausted or haven’t slept properly in days, but he and I are really supportive in this journey of parenthood together. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without him around. We struggle and are outnumbered, but we love our kids and will do anything for them. Most days I just give him a look, and he totally knows what I want to say - you really get that down after your 3rd kid I guess. And he will always give the kids medicine when they need it because I just can’t. He knows my heart, my deepest fears and worries in this past year, my feelings of joy, and I just feel lucky to have him in my life - most importantly, he’s a hands-on dad and setting a great example of being a man for our boys.
15. I will struggle, but also grow stronger
This has been one of the hardest years of my life - it’s been full of new experiences, new worries, new struggles, new people, new relationships. Many days I’ve felt like I was just getting everyone to survive at the bare minimum by feeding them, clothing them and keeping them clean. Some days have been really frustrating - I still remember the time I cried myself back home from a walk because all my kids totally lost it and my stroller couldn’t even fit into the doorway when all I wanted to do was pick up a few slices of pizza because I was too exhausted to cook. But these boys have taught me so much about myself and who I want to be. I’ve found strength in myself with all the struggles. I’ve also learned that taking care of myself and my needs is important because when I feel happy, so do they - everyone picks up on mom’s energy. I’m still aspiring to making more time for self care and setting some of my own non-negotiable’s for myself. I’m thankful and honored to be their mom.
I really can’t believe we are approaching the one year mark of being a family of 5 - it’s less than 2 months away. To all the mamas reading, leave a comment with your greatest lesson learned in motherhood.
xo,
Vicky
xo,
Vicky
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